I have been busy learning crap and reacquainting myself with these stupid computer programs.  I’m still here, S is still here, and the shots are still going smoothly.  Some stuff tried to come back out his morning.  If B warns us about something…it happens.  Can you warn us about winning the lottery or something? 

Jag är inte så nojjig för sprutan som jag borde vara med tanke på min fobi. Är sjukt rädd för allt vad nålar heter. Men med tanke på hur bra det gick när jag faktiskt stack mig själv i magen i måndags så VET jag att det kommer att gå kanon i kväll.

Jag hoppas nu att mitt humör kommer att stegra, jag är vanligtvis ett mycket glad och sprudlande person, men under spraytiden har jag varit mycket låg och dämpad. Mitt vanligen så smittande skratt har mest låtit som en tupp i halsen.

Har som väl märks höga förväntningar på Gonal F.

Läs även andra bloggares åsikter om ivf, provrörsbefruktning, gonal f

• No problems with the testicles themselves
• Blood and hormones are all normal
• Chromosomes are all normal
• Count is great
• Motility: a little low on the % that move, but fine. Forward progression is sluggish though.
• Morphology is borderline at 6% but nothing that is of concern to the doc
• Interesting tidbit - of those 6%, only 2% can pop their cap, releasing the enzyme that allows them to bury into the egg. Average is 15%

So basically, ICSI can answer the issues that Mr. Badger is having, and there is no determined reasons for where he's slightly below normal. While he cannot rule it out entirely, the doctor is convinced it is not likely a sperm issue that we are having. There are no other tests that he could imagine running at this point.

What came next fucked with our heads. We asked point blank if he'd continue with IVF/ICSI - he said that with the amount we have transferred, he wouldn't. He recommended shaking up the gametes to see what the issue could be. However, even if we do this, we won't know if things were better by chance or have anything to treat even if we isolate if it is an egg or sperm issue. Our options, as he laid out are:

• Donor sperm with my eggs
• Donor egg with 1/2 Mr. Badger's sperm, 1/2 donor sperm
• Donor everything
• Adoption

We are going to meet with our RE on Friday to go over things, but we're not really interested in donor options. It just isn't for us. Perhaps donor egg, but even that is just tough to swallow. So we're gonna try IVF with our own material again but really start moving with adoption. How does one even decide what to do? I mean, we literally are at the edge of what medicine can tell us, and all they can tell us is literally - we don't know what's wrong. Clearly there's an issue if I am now 2 weeks late for AF (which I didn't expect on time, don't get excited people) and really don't ovulate on my own, and Mr. B's swimmers have some issues. All our problems SHOULD be answered by IVF/ICSI, but clearly no one knows what the causes of those issues are.

It sucks. We should not have to choose how we make our child, unless it's who's on top. It's terribly distressing. We could follow one path, and get to another dead end, and be right back where we are. Adoption is the only relatively safe bet. It may take a while, but in the end it's better odds than IVF or Donor.

Thanks to you who are still reading. I know I've been a crap friend in replying to emails and calls and stuff. I'm traveling for work, and just...talking is hard right now. The comments mean so much to me though, so soothe my ego a little and say hi. Just knowing you are there is the best thing for me.

As you know, I have really been struggling as to what I should next with my fertility treatments and for right now I have decided to let go of some control, and chosen to follow my instincts. Right now, my instincts are telling me to wait another month, and then go ahead. They also told me to not lose hope. There is just something there that I can't explain, I feel it though. It's just saying give it some time, and you'll enjoy the surprise. In the mean time, enjoy the present. I guess that works for me at this moment in time, ask me when I start on needle filled hormones and endo cams again, and I am sure I will be singing a new tune.

We are leaving in exactly one week for our trip. I have to say, I am acutally very excited..as if you couldn't tell by the other million posts that talk about it. But hey, focusing on this trip has changed my obsession from baby making to vacation planning. Whatever helps I guess. I have yet to find a dress, clean my house, pack and lose some more weight. I guess that means I will just have to hide the excess fat under a beautiful A-lined dress with polka dots or ruffles...That way I can hide the hips and blame the dress for any "fat looks." The rest of the time I will be wearing a swimsuit cover and loose jeans.

HATAHATAHATAHATA!!!! Jävla äggkläckningsmaskin, hoppas hon får ett missfoster med 13 IQ och som får dregla bort på nån institution! (OK, nu är jag så elak jag kan, man jag bara måste få ur henne från min hjärna!) Jag blev helt galen, särskilt över hennes flin. OK, hon kanske inte får en enda unge av äggen, men hon slipper iallafall bli misshandlad i fittan på ett långt tag. Jag däremot kommer antagligen få köra hela skiten igen eftersom jag inte har ett enda ägg i frysen.

Min kompis fick ut massa ägg också, men henne känner jag och det är en helt annan sak. Men främmande människor kan man få hata hur mycket som helst av terapeutiska skäl, så länge man inte avslöjar det för dem. Tycker jag.

First, a heartfelt apology to those I know in the real world who I haven't spoken to in the last few days and who are going to get all sorts of information from this post that I should have told them in person but haven't had time to.  Forgive me?

That being said, I'm not really sure where to start.

First off, we've started an IUI cycle.  Same amount of follistim, etc, etc....I was hoping that since this is pretty much the end of our IUI road, he might have bumped me up a bit but no.....crazy almost non-existent period this month though.  I'm not sure if that's down to the acupuncture or crazy herbs (which I am SO not going to miss) or my general stress level at the moment.  But all being said, my numbers were great: FSH 6.4 and estrodol 33.  Probably the best I've had so far and not back for being 42!

Of course the IUI will end up falling some time during our board meeting at work and for the first time ever, my boss is being a bit of a pain and telling me that she won't let me out of the meeting for the procedure should it fall during one or two crucial times.  ARGH!

But I've got my fingers crossed and now I just need everything to work! :-)

Speaking of work.....I've survived one of the most frustrating and drawn-out contract negotiations to land the out-of-state job.  YAY!  Every other job I've taken has gone like this: Employer offers salary/package.  I've either taken it, said no or come back with a counter offer at which employer can accepted or not.

This one has involved crazy things like a cash incentive to move WAY before I really want to (they want me to start in very early July), a guaranteed commission to bring me up to the very lowest salary I was willing to accept. Why not just give me the salary?  Because they're afraid that their other employees (all of whom are almost 20 years younger than I am) will find out and be hurt. Um....I have 20 years professional experience and I can't imagine that any of their existing employees, some of whom I know, wouldn't understand that. Unless of course, they're making so much less than the very low salary I've accepted that they really would be upset.  Anyhow so they wanted to offer me the commission annually and I had to point out that no, I needed that amount to pay for little things like food and electricity so we compromised on quarterly.

Next step is getting hubby to go visit over Memorial Day weekend just to make sure he likes it (and to do some apartment hunting) and so that I can sign some sort of contract and get my incentive and relocation checks.

However....because I can never do anything the easy way, we've also decided that, should this IUI not work, we're going to do IVF NEXT MONTH.  Before we leave.  In the midst of packing and finish work and freelance assignments and seeing friends and....I must be out of my mind.

But the NYS IVF grant only covers monitoring at my clinic, new employer's insurance doesn't kick in for 90 days, etc., etc......It just seems like the best option although the timing is going to be tight and even thinking about it makes my head spin.  The only good thing for me is that the grant covers 2 IVFs (or one IVF and an FET) so I don't have to think of this as my last ever chance.  Hopefully there will be one more if we need it and then I'll sort out the coming to NYC for the procedure bit.

There is some concern about my new very small employer in that they have no maternity leave policy and their huge fear is that I'll move there and end up on bed rest for 7 months.  Um....yeah...I don't love that thought either.  I'll do my best to keep that from happening.  They also have no 401K, no life insurance and had to call their health insurance consultant to find out how much it would be to cover my husband because none of their employees are married.  Sigh....no gain without risk, right????

I alternate between being very excited (about the work, in some ways about the move, and in the promise of IVF success) and absolutely terrified (about....well....everything).

If anyone has a few extra hours in their day that they can send me, please do.  I think I need more than 24 at this point! :-)

The bill has generated much controversy in Britain, mainly due to the position of the Catholic Church - to the point that there are weeks, Prime Minister Gordon Brown he had had to give freedom to vote Labour members. No wonder that this has happened, since the main points of the text under discussion are truly pioneers. This is to legalise the creation of hybrid embryos of animals and humans for medical research (from incurable diseases such as Parkinson or Alzheimer), to allow parents with a seriously ill child to use in vitro fertilisation (IVF) to choose, thanks to pre-diagnosis implantatório, a genetically compatible brother or sister who can donate tissue to treat, and eliminate the need for a father to use IVF, this figure being replaced by "parental figure." In particular, the latter provision will allow for lesbian couples to use IVF.

The purpose of hybrid embryos, Ian Gibson, Labour MEP said the BBC, ethical minimized the dangers posed by opponents of the law stressing that, already in the past, under the supervision of the competent authority (the HFEA), the embryological research has always been done ", a very regulated "in the country. And launched: "There are people in this house, one or two I know, parts of which are related to the pig heart. That is what keeps the living. So let us of hypocrisy. "

I had my second beta today and the result is 2506 which is great but my progesterone has dropped to 10 - I am having a small amount of spotting (not on my knickers but on the TP) I really am terrified now.

My doctor has put me back on to progesterone pessaries which a manufacturing pharmacist is mixing up for me today. I have used a Crinone Gel this afternoon and another tonight in the hopes of increasing the level ASAP.

The clinic want me to have another blood test on Friday to confirm that the progesterone is rising. I think I will know before then if I am going to keep this pregnancy. I have taken the next 2 days off work.

Please send me your good thoughts.

I also want to add that something amazing happened when I went in with the new storks to have an ultrasound--they came with me!!! And, they brought a nurse every single time so that she could do the writing, not me.  Brains and beauty...:)

Sincerly,

Excited about class! (who would have ever thought)

Jag hoppas så att spruthormonet gör mig pigg och lycklig igen.

Just nu är min vardag svartvit trots att den borde vara färglad och sprakande som en solnedgång i havet eller en mild höstdag i lövskogen. Men förhoppningsvis ordnar det sig...

 Läs även andra bloggar åsikter om trötthet, provrörsbefruktning, biverkning suprecur

Lesbian couples should be blocked from having IVF treatment unless they agree that a father figure would be involved in the upbringing of their child, the Tories said yesterday.

In a sign of David Cameron's determination to campaign for traditional parenting, the Tories challenged the government to guarantee that couples seeking IVF treatment would have a "male role model" for their child. The intervention was made by Andrew Lansley, the shadow health secretary, who called for changes to the human fertilisation and embryology bill which calls for "supportive parenting". This amends the current legislation, passed in 1990, which talks of the "need for a father".

Lansley told MPs: "The reference to the need for a father should be recast as 'the need for supportive parenting and a father or a male role model'. This is not to discriminate against same-sex couples or single parents, but to ensure that the responsibility to a child is discharged."

His remarks came on the eve of a speech by Chris Grayling, the shadow work and pensions secretary, on whether Britain has forgotten how to parent. Cameron believes that family breakdown is one of the main causes of poverty in Britain.

The Guardian/UK

Of course, Cameron doesn't say anything about HOW families "break down" and how that particular problem could be dealt with - poverty for instance.  Just a small problem ... and I am by no means saying that's the only trouble I have with this, analysis bullshit.  By the way, P.M. Gordon Brown is allowing his party to "vote their conscience" on this Bill.  How obliging ...

I really like this though"

MPs debated the human fertilisation and embryology bill yesterday. Talk about walking on eggshells - and on eggs, and sperm, and gametes and pro-nuclei. Every now and again an MP would say something a bit outrageous. "It is like creating a child for spare parts!" said someone about "saviour siblings", who will be able to help an older brother or sister with a serious disease.

Others leapt up to point out that the child whose bits were being harvested would be loved just as much - or what was left of them would be loved just as much. (Apologies, but there's something about watching MPs being tasteful and carefully respecting each other's views that makes me want to say things that are tasteless, and scoff offensively at other people's views.)

Such as, if we ever have total control over human reproduction, would we want to create the beings displayed on the benches yesterday? Some of them are very weird, possibly for genetic reasons. Imagine a pregnant woman going in for a CVS test.

"We've run the tests, and it's clear, I'm afraid. The chromosomes indicate that your child is going to be a politician. It is entirely your choice whether you wish to continue. Some couples find that having a politician in the family can be richly rewarding, and even bring them closer together ..."

Simon Hoggart, The Guardian/UK

I had my first appointment with Dr Debbie the wonder acupuncturist last night, and it went really well.  Not only did my tummy go nice and red during the treatment (according to her a very good thing) I was as itchy as all hell afterwards (also a good thing apparantly).  When she made me visualise the colours I really did not find it that hard at all, the orange traveled from the needles in my tummy up my spine and out my mouth - out with the bad, in with the good, then move onto blue for my messed up post nasal drip - what the hell why am I imagining purple?  And now green and yellow?  Oooi peloi... haha, not a bad thing either to imagine other colours - purple = creativity and imagination, green is my heart chakra and yellow was for the area just above my pelvic area.... Not to shabby Nigel!  So, now I wait for the scan tomorrow to see when I can/should expect my egg retrieval and then the day before I need to see Dr Debbie again to visualise my colours and my uterus accepting my embies for a long long stay...

Ho hum, how many more hours till tomorrow morning?

I thought I'd write down what my current views are on the following:

Acupuncture and IVF: Well, you know I haven't done a full course of acupuncture; I only started three weeks ago.  However, so far so good.  My follicle count has improved - would you believe it is actually higher than when I first did IVF in my early 30's.  However, one could remain sceptical when one takes a look at how well(?) my digestive system has been behaving since receiving acupuncture.  My digestive system has been behaving very *interestingly*, and my appetite has completely disappeared.  Great if I was trying to lose weight but, according to my acupuncturist, very, very bad if you are trying to have lots of energy for growing healthy eggs.  Also, I have no IVF whore-moane symptoms.  No bloating and not a single cramp, pain or headache ... Is this the acupuncture?

Three Month Break with Birth Control Pill:  This caused me such angst.  I was ever so worried that my last few fertile months are being filled with wasted time, by going on the pill for almost a month.  However, this could well be an attributor to the above positive outcome with the follicle count.  Although one must remember that this is precisely what I did last time when I only got six follicles.  I think next time I will actually be a lot calmer about taking the BCP.

Limit of Two Embryos Transferred for Over 40's: This stinks.  In Australia, the story is that you can only have two embryos transferred.  Full stop.  This is a good policy to save having triplets.  But really.  What are my chances of triplets?  I'm using my own 40 year-old eggs!!  My IVF doctor disagrees; he thinks that it is possible I could become pregnant with triplets using my own eggs.  Well, we both have our own opinions.  We can agree to disagree and then we'll do what he says we are going to do :-).  Regardless, I think it's out of his hands.

Introducing new Kittens to 7-year-old Border Collies:  What a catastrophe.  William is soooo jealous.  Tabatha just wants to be friends but he hates her.  He pretends to like her but he snapped at her last night.  BAD DOG!  Oh well, it is still early days.  My opinion?  Get them both together when they are babies!  Cutie-pie photos coming soon!

Let's start with the obvious: a) je suis lesbo and b) I do want a family some day.

Throw into the mix: I broadly disagree with IVF, especially making it available on the NHS. If we spent as much money curing disease as we did getting people pregnant (WHICH IS NOT A DIVINE RIGHT!) or even just redirected the money altogether, well....  Trot out the old chestnuts about kids waiting to be adopted etc. 

I am concerned about male role models for any potential children of mine, I am not the sort to demonise men just because I won't do them.  I want any son or daughter to grow up with a balanced view of straight and gay, to treat men and women as equals.  I am conscious that my life at present is short on male friends that I consider myself close to.   I do think that the number of violent and unhappy children coming from broken families is a worry (but not an absolute rule, there are plenty of success stories from one-parent families).  Just as I wouldn't choose to raise a child alone, I wouldn't want them to be deprived of access to male influence, although I know any two parents can be good or bad regardless of the gender dynamic.

It's important to note that the provision does not exclude lesbians and single women, merely places a condition, one that is fairly easy to meet.  Plenty of other medical procedures (some less optional, like transplants) have conditions placed on them, so why is this massively different?  Is it selfish to have a child when you have a limited support network - for example I would need to consider the distant location of my family, the busy lives of friends, and the financial burden of paying someone to take up the slack for me every now and then.  That wouldn't be easier in a couple, even a straight one, but we're not talking about 'oops I'm pregnant scenarios' - this is a rational choice and should be treated as one. 

Having waffled thus far, I'm no clearer as to my exact position, but I'm certainly not offended, nor do I feel this suggestion is that far out of line.

Hoppas jag hinner klart hela behandlingssvängen innan maj är slut, 2 juni börjar jag på mitt nya jobb o då vill jag ha klarat av alla mina RMC-besök för den här gången...

This year was a double whammy for me. With no baby to be a mother to and no mother to be a baby to. I got hit with the one, two punch and I gotta tell ya, not loving it. All in all, it was a normal day with an underlying feeling of sadness that I did my best to surpress with Pino. (By my best, I mean I only cried a little bit.)

Mark had to work most of the day so I was pretty much alone all day in the fun zone that is our torn apart house. You know, not at all unbearable for lil ol OCD me. Can you sense my sarcasm here?  Can you?  Apparently Sandy & Monster sent Mark out to pick me up some flowers. What? They don't have 2 legs? Jesus, I believe they each of 4! No card, but at least it was something.

I don't really think Mark understands how hard this Mother's Day was for me. I can't really expect him to being that he's missing his uterus and all. I thought about Ashley all day. How I was suppose to be spending this - my first real Mother's day - with her. I called my Grandmother to wish her a Happy Mother's Day and her response was:

"O thank you dear. Happy Mother's Day to you too, although you're not a mother so it doesn't really count."

Ouch.

I love her a lot, and she has no idea how hard that was to hear. But yeah. Pretty much hit the nail on the head with that one. And by nail, I mean rusty old bent one. And by head I mean, right between the eyes and deep into my skull. I'm basically dead now.

So I’ve lived for a week now without obsessing about medicines and food. It’s also nice to have some ‘funny business’ back. I don’t know if it’s just me, but all those million ultrasound visits don’t exactly give the sex life a boost. I’m honestly worried that a few more months of dildo cams may cause irreparable damage in that department. Perhaps it’s not as bad as that, but it is worrisome.

Regarding the question about whether or not the REs will do some more testing related to the non-fertilization, I can’t say for sure, but I was under the impression that there’s nothing they can do or test for. My REs are very nice and professional – a bit too professional perhaps – and I often felt that their approach to me as a patient was pretty impersonal. I didn’t feel as if they really cared about me as a person or really wanted to try to figure this problem out (hmmm… I’m using the past tense for my verbs…). We weren’t given any options at all except for the donor egg suggestion, which we are not going to do. They never mentioned any details of the actual quality of eggs and sperm except that they looked fine, and I’m now wondering if this is something that they can actually measure and determine, and if so, how would they do that? Or is determining quality ALL based on fertilization results? That seems a bit too simplistic and imprecise…

The statistics for my clinic is actually quite impressive -http://apps.nccd.cdc.gov/ART2005/clindata05.asp?Location=304- and I felt pretty confident that we’d be part of those good numbers. I’m now wondering if they just want to drop us instead. I haven’t found a clinic that is within an half-hour drive from home. There may be a bunch of them an hour away, but I just refuse to drive that far. I’ve driven about 40 minutes to this clinic and anything more than that is definitely a no go – I just couldn’t survive the drive. As I was searching for clinics in the PA/NJ area (we’re right on the border), I didn’t really find any clinics that seemed to remotely impress me, in either good stats or in welcoming atmosphere. There may be some out there, but I haven’t come across them. I don’t know how much time and effort I want to put into finding another clinic when the one we have may be the best. I just don’t know.

Someone who had a low fert rate (2/7) in her first cycle wrote to me. She said that for the second IVF/ICSI cycle they used donor sperm for half of the eggs just to figure out if it was a sperm issue, which it wasn’t, and it didn’t seem to be any problems with the eggs either as the fert rate was fairly good (6/10) the second cycle. My clinic never even suggested trying that. Is that only because of my age? My fellow infertile (sorry, I just labeled you in a depressing way) also mentioned that MESA may be better than TESA in terms of getting better quality sperm. I haven’t thought of that. Whether or not that is true, I wish the REs would have discussed the sperm aspiration aspect of the whole thing.

I’ve also read research literature where they have found that cases of non-fertilization could be traced to a non-activation of the egg (oocyte), which could be fixed by incubating it in calcium ionophore. This is what the Reproductive Sciences Center & Genetics Institute in San Diego writes on their website:

“Although ICSI is usually a highly successful treatment for severe male factor infertility, some couples repeatedly experience low ICSI fertilization rates (<50%). Possible causes include failure of oocyte activation resulting from sperm and/or oocyte defects. Previous studies have shown that oocytes injected with round or round-headed sperm can be activated by the calcium ionophore A23187 and result in live births…Overall 9/25 (36%) oocytes fertilized after routine ICSI compared with 10/13 (77%) after ICSI with ionophore treatment. No difference in embryo quality was observed between ionophore treated and untreated oocytes up to the blastocyst stage. Two of the three patients became pregnant resulting in one singleton and one twin live birth. Conclusions: Assisted oocyte activation using the calcium ionophore A23187 may be useful for enhancing ICSI fertilization rates both for unexpected fertilization failure and for couples with a history of low fertilization.” http://www.fertile.com/Calcium-ICSI.html

Other sources I found online that supports this oocyte activation-calcium ionophore theory, include:

http://www.maleinfertility.org/new-icsi.html

http://www.infertile.com/pdf_files/inthenew/sci/Calcium_Ionophore.pdf

http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/20/8/2237

http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/19/7/1604

http://www.who.int/reproductive-health/infertility/13.pdf

http://linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S0015028203003698

http://medical.med.tokushima-u.ac.jp/jmi/vol47/text/v47_n1-2_p001.html

It’s interesting that this non-activation of the eggs is NOT related to the age of the woman. Age does affect the quality of the embryo, but not fertilization according to these studies. This is what a number of websites show:

“Female factors: Oehninger et al. investigated the role of matemal factors in a total of 92 couples, where 1163 oocytes were injected with an overall fertilization rate of 61 percent. Fertilization rates were unaffected by matemal age, but pregnancy rates were significantly lower with increased matemal age.

Oocyte activation: Since oocyte activation normally occurs in association with sperm binding, fusion and penetration of the oocyte, oocyte activation during intracytoplasmic may not necessarily occur. The importance of intentional induction of oocyte activation was demonstrated by Tesarik and Sousa who increased fertilization and pregnancy rates during ICSI with aggressive aspiration and injection of the oocyte cytoplasm. Direct comparison of gentle and vigorous cytoplasm aspiration resulted in an increase in fertilization rates per oocyte from 38% to 80% with increased pregnancy rates up to 52 % with aggressive aspiration/injection. Evaluation of calcium fluxes in oocytes during injections demonstrated an additional peak of intracellular calcium levels for aggressive aspiration, when compared with gentle aspiration. Intracellular calcium changes have long been thought to have a role in oocyte activation.” (http://www.craftivf.com/Glossary.htm)

In my quest for an answer to non-fertilization, I felt pretty good about these findings. It seemed to me then that this problem could perhaps be fixed, if not easily, then at least possibly. This site (a paper published in 2002) explains pretty well exactly why there may be no activation in the egg after the sperm has been injected:

“Artificial oocyte activation: When a spermatozoon fertilizes an oocyte, it liberates a factor which induces the release of calcium from the oocyte. Since this release happens in a pulsatile fashion, this factor has been named oscilline. Oscilline is not present in round spermatids and, therefore, when ICSI is performed with these immature gametes, oocyte activation is deficient (50). This problem can be bypassed by artificially activating the oocyte using an electrical current to increase the inflow of calcium over the cell membrane, or by using a chemical such as a calcium ionophore, which causes an increase in intracellular calcium that triggers further steps of fertilization. This factor may be deficient also in men with absent spermatozoal acrosomes (globozoospermia or round-headed spermatozoa).” http://www.who.int/reproductive-health/infertility/13.pdf)

THEN, unfortunately, comes the real Bummer: this research has apparently been done mainly (but not only) on mice and the treatment has not yet been generally approved for humans. Damn!!! The cases that are cited in all these research papers must be selected human case studies that received special approval for this treatment, and the rest of us are without help…. ?

“Again, artificial activation may help their spermatozoa to fertilize an oocyte successfully with ICSI. However, the use of a calcium ionophore has raised a lot of concern since this compound is a suspected mutagen and has not been approved for human use.” (http://www.who.int/reproductive-health/infertility/13.pdf)

Since this paper was published back in 2002, there may have been some progress that I haven’t read about on these sites. Perhaps it’s now something that IVF clinics actually perform – but I’d like to know WHICH clinics …

Fast forward to August 2007, there is a lot that happened until that time but my fingers will not allow me to write all of that. We move to Iowa and I get a job. ( I love my job by the way) Anyways, one day I was looking over my health benefits package and low and behold, they cover infertility. Up to 30, 000 worth over a life time they will cover 80%. I began to cry because my hopes of having a child were actually possible now and affordable. I ended up having surgery in December 2007 but that is another long story. January 14, 2008 I had an appointment with Dr. Young of Mid Iowa Fertility. This day also happened to be my husband’s birthday. Dr. Young looked over all my paper work and had basically confirmed everything I already knew. Like, I was going to have to have IVF.  He said he wanted my husband to be tested again and that he would suggest I get on Lupron before starting the process because the women he has worked with have a better success with IVF with doing the Lupron prior to. I told him that I really didn’t want to do it because of all of the side effects and he said what side effects was I talking about and I told him. He said think about it and that I needed to come back on the 2^nd or 3^rd day of my next period to get blood work done and to get a vaginal ultrasound done. I was back in the office exactly a week later. They did the blood work and an ultrasound. Then the nurse stated that she wanted to show the doctor the ultrasound and that they would probably go ahead and do the Lupron shot. I was in shock; I didn’t know I was coming for that also. Long story short, I got the shot.  The nurse told me that some of the side effects may be like a woman going through menopause, again, something I had already heard. My husband asked a question or two. So, that was January 21. I really didn’t have any side effects until I began to spot. I called the doctors office and they said that this was normal so I was okay. I spotted for about a week. After that, I felt nothing else. I went in for my second shot on February 18, which was the day after my thirtieth birthday. Again, I feel no side effects. Except, dryness during sex but there are products out there for that so that’s no problem. I have been feeling tired and I have had an appetite out of this world. Not sure if the later as anything to do with the shot though. I feel blessed to be at the point that I am now. I have not had a period for February and most likely I won’t. I had my third shot in March and we thought that would be the last shot but I ended up having another shot in April because the doctor noticed that my endometriosis had not gone down. Therefore, I had another shot and I have had the worst hot flashes a person can imagine but I have dealt witih them. So, tomorrow my husband and I go in for our introduction class on IVF and introduction to the shots that I have to take. I have read many blogs and I thought I would start one myself to not only help me but hopefully help other women who are out there dealing with the same issues I am dealing with. Please make as many comments as you would like. And check me out, whenever!!

I have started to X off the days on the calendar and even took out the suitcases. Now, all I have to do is clean house, take M&M to the vet for their checkups, catch up on work stuff, do major laundry, tan and pack. Its all part of the vacation ritual..stress out completely so by the time you get to where you're going, it doesn't take long at all to relax. That's my theory anyway. Because I am such a stress hound, I am already stressing about the return home.

Coming back has me completely scared. Because coming back, means starting IF treatments again. I should be excited, but I am actually terrified. I hated every second of it, especially the part when you POAS and all you get is one bright pink line laughing at you. Just thinking about the emotional roller coaster that IF has put us both through brings tears to my eyes. I've been thinking a lot, and as I start to think more and more, I find myself questioning if this medicated path to pregnancy is the answer for us. I am still young, although getting older every day, I still believe I have at least five more really good years. Maybe, I just need to stop forcing something that will happen when we're ready.

I happen to believe there is a reason to everything. Call me a hippie, but it is too hard for me to think that things happen at random. Spiritual or not, I think there is a plan that someone, or something has set into motion for every person the day they are conceived. We have free will, and can change our paths, but I think eventually, good or bad, we follow the plan that was laid out for us. Ok, getting off my Ghandi soap box now. Back to treatments, what if this is not meant to work? I'm not sure that I can take that sort of devastation. So to me, it might be easier to stay naieve to the whole thing and bow out gracefully, as to guard my heart. On the other hand, life is a risk, and if a person doesn't take risks, they will never truly know how far they could have gone. So where does that leave me?? Somewhere in between hopeful and adventurous I guess. I hate feeling like this and am really dreading the decisions that DH will have to make in the next few months.

I realized today that we will have to get more Lupron and I panicked thinking that was the one that they billed at $6000 dollars.  It was a $300 one.  ***WHEW***  Without insurance, we couldn’t pay $6000 for meds.  I think that had to be either a mistake, or Rite-Aid was seriously trying to rip off the insurance company.  I have never heard of anyone’s IVF meds costing almost $9000.  The insurance would only pay through Rite-Aid and not the Freedom Fertility Pharmacy place, and I didn’t see any kind of drugs on FFP’s papers that would have combined to cost $9000.  I don’t know, is Menopur $6000?  Not that I can find.  I have a Walgreen’s list that says otherwise.  The ORM even said that $2000-$3000 is the range, and I was prepared for $3000.  Fortunately S had temporary insurance coverage and we only had to pay around $300 for everything, but I was ready for $3000. 

3dpFET-Just realized that for two days, I had been taking the wrong dosages of the progesterone....it is suppose to be 4 x's a day not 1 x.  I could just kick myself!  So far, I feel bloatedness.  Also, feeling sleepy. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz