If there is one thing I hate it is waiting. I hate people keeping me waiting. I do not have and will never find that patience to just let it go. I don't like broken promises and lateness. Is it a crime for people to keep their word? If you know you might not be able to keep it then don't say you will do it. Is it a crime to expect people to be on time? If you cannot be for reasons beyond your control I can understand that, but if it is just because you like to be late then don't have anything to do with me.

Those are just the surface issues of my frustration. I question existence and life. I hear all the time that suffering makes you stronger, but is that true strength? I have suffered a lot and so has my family but are we truly strong because of it. No we are not, we are standing on hollow strength and if a tempest of a storm comes then we will surely shatter under its power. I don't want to be strong all the time, I want to be able to rely on others strength.

I am full of frustrating right now because when my family hurts I hurt too. When my family is being given the short end of the stick, that means I wallow in that pain too. I ask God, how much longer will life be like this? Where everyday is a battle for survival. Where we are always just making ends meet. How much longer will my mother suffer to provide us with a life. How much longer will her body be broken and her confidence destroyed. How can my sister be suffering like this at 23 years old. She should not have to work this hard, she should not have to stress like this. She is a child and yet she has never gotten to enjoy her youth.

Lord, I pray to you all the time and I have to admit that I wonder if you hear me. Is my voice reaching you? Is my soul near to you? Are you surrounding me or am I standing alone? I need you to see me and hear me. I need you to give us a breakthrough. I am asking you Lord for a miracle. A miracle of happiness and peace. Calm these waters so that we can cross and find a new place...a better place and life must exist for us. I know that each person has their pain, but Lord I am me and this is my family and I am begging you with all that is in me to give us a sign that you are with us. We are losing hope and we are barely making it through each day.

It seems like when everything is finally coming together, it begins to break even more. Why is it Lord that suffering is our daily bread? I see so much and it pains me to watch my family suffer. What did my mother ever do to deserve the cruelness of my father? What did my sibling and I do to deserve a man who is nothing like a father in my eyes. What did my precious mother do so that in all these years she has not met anyone who can sweep away the cobwebs my father left and make her see the beauty of love and life. What did we do so that we were given a father who neither loves or acknowledges us. A father who is like a leech sucking the life out of you till you wither and die. Why? Why? Why?

I ask myself all the time why life is like this. I sometimes think maybe we are a cursed family. Why did I have to grow up in the ugliness of this world? Why did I have to grown up without a childhood? Why did I have to be an adult so soon? Why do I have the burdens at my age. In a few weeks I will be 21 years old. So what? Will life finally settle down? Lord I believe in you, but I am having my doubts.

You see my heart so you know what lies within me and sometimes it scares me. I want to have that hope and that faith but lately I am losing both steadily. I lose hope in this world everyday as the cruelness of it grows deeper. My faith is tested in the wake of all these obstacles. The suffering seems never-ending, and the burdens only seem to grow in weight. Please, Lord I want to know that you are near me. That you are my shield and armor. I want to believe that life gets better, that m family won't always be conflicted.

I want to believe that there is beauty in this world. I want to believe and trust in humanity and the goodness of people. I want to believe that my life has meaning beyond trials and that I will triumph over them all. I want to believe that you have a reason for all of this and it will come to light soon. I am desperate to believe in you but Lord the wounds never heal. My soul is scarred and those wounds are too deep to ever give me peace.

There is so much conflict inside of me because of this life. I look around and the tears flood over because I am so tired of being strong. I cannot be the pillar for my family. I am a child, your child please hold me. I am withering in the agony of those around me. What can I do for them? What can I do with my life to make it better for the people I love. Show me, tell me, guide me and I will do it. I will do anything for them so that their lives can be unburdened. If only I knew what to do, please Lord don't let this world destroy me.

Everyday I wake up and I think of the precious mother that you gave me. I think of her and my heart is heavy. How can one person carry so many burdens. How can one person be punished when she had done nothing to deserve it. The sadness that lingers in her is in me Lord. I am her daughter and I am begging you that before you take her from this world show her the beauty of life. Let me sacrifices lead to greatness. Whether that greatness lies within her children let it be in her life. Let her reap the benefits of what she has sowed.

Suffering has not made me strong. I am that leaf blowing in the wind. Shivering from the coldness and unable to settle calmly on this earth. You gave me this life, let there be a reason for it, and let me live it. My tears are a constant companion and I have become a guarded person. The actions of those before have shaped me into this silhouette of humanity. Do not let my future be defined by these tragedies.

I want to believe that this life has meaning and that my existence is for a purpose more than just the painfulness of living.

If I was a chapter would you be my ending

If I was a blanket would you lie in me

If I was a song would you be my melody

If I was a poet would you be my verse

If I was a tear would you be my cheek

If I was a thought would you be my mind

If I was a river would you flow into me

If I was a canvas would you be my paintbrush

If I was a picture would you be my camera

If I was a hand would you be the other one

If I was a rainfall would you be my cloud

If I was a mirror would you be my reflection

If I was a fairytale would you be my happily ever after

If I was a night would you be my moonlight

If I was a beat would you dance to me

If I was a silhouette would you be my shadow

If I was a lie would you be my truth

If I was a piano would you be my keys

If I was a writer would you be my script

If I was a angel would you be my wings

If I was a smile would you be my happiness

If I was a reflection would you be the eye that sees me

If I was...

By: Me

I am so tired of the suffering and the fear of what tomorrow will bring. I look at the women that came before me and I wonder if maybe we are a cursed family. Maybe we angered God and he is punishing us. I don't believe the God I call my father could curse me but sometimes I doubt it all. I look at my mother; it is like this world is trying to shatter her. When things seem to be getting better the storm approaches and shadow falls upon us.

How much longer must we endure the darkness before we can embrace the light? How much longer will this sadness linger inside of me. I get scared, the fear creeps along my insides until I am suffocating. I ask myself will I make it through another day? Will my family ever find peace? If God hears my heart why doesn't he answer me. I need him desperately and I cannot feel his presence anywhere. I cannot feel his touch or his love upon me.

There is a loneliness within me that has not left me since I was little. I can be surrounded by many and feel an isolation that keeps me at a distance. I want to believe in the goodness of people and this world but it gets hard when you the evil that lingers in all of us. I want to trust someone with all of me but I am so petrified of the vulnerability of opening one's heart to someone.

I don't know what happiness is like because there is this wall of sadness surrounding me. I lie in the center of it waiting for someone to find me and show me that I don't have to cry anymore, I don't have to be scared anymore of life. I know my suffering might not compare to some but it hurts so much everyday I put on a mask hiding what I feel. No one ever questions what is behind the mask. No one takes that moment to see that everything is not as it seems.

My smile covers the shadows of my soul, my laughter is there to ease the pain in my heart. How much longer will I have to face the cruelty of this world. I just want that peace that can transform my life into something more than it is right now.

If God sees me I hope he is looking at my scarred heart. I hope he is looking deep into my soul because there he will find the me that is hidden from this world. I just want to know that life is more than this darkness that lingers around my family. I need to know that we are heading towards something more than more sadness, disappointments, tears, and fears. I need to know that this sadness will disappear soon.

God if it is me, if I did something to anger you please take it out on me. Take all your anger out on me and let my family find that beauty and grace that I know exists in this world. How many more years will my mom sacrifice and suffer her body and soul to this world. How much longer will my sister only see the coldness of people. How much longer will I be a rag doll of a human.

This world when you truly look at it is such a sad place to be. There is so much suffering that it makes me overwhelmed with the pain of living. Why are some of us the one's born into this suffering and others get to experience the joy of this world? I don't feel bitterness towards them only envy that they can feel the warmth of life while I shiver in the coldness.

Today was a day when I questioned my life, the life of my mother, the life of my grandmother. Has God forgotten us? Why doesn't he comfort me in his arms. I want to be embraced by him and feel that unrelenting warmth of having him as my guardian. Why do we suffer? It is supposed to make us stronger, my strength has faded into weakness.

I wish that God would bring someone into my life that would fix all the broken pieces of my life. I don't want to lean on my own strength anymore. I am standing on hollow strength. I have prayed to God to bring that one person into my life that I can trust with this sadness that I am bound to. I want to release all my tears and know that there will be someone there to hand me the tissues and wipe away the tears. I long to be held by someone, to feel their warmth and know that I can make i through this dark moment.