1) saying "I'm sorry" means expressing regrets

2) saying "i was wrong" means accepting responsibility

3) saying "what can i do to make it right?" means making restitution

4) saying "I'll try not to do that again" means genuine repent

5) saying "will you forgive me?" means requesting for forgiveness

well, like i said...

saying sorry is just not enough

but still apology accepted! :D

Ok…
Some people say I’m LOUD, but some say I’m shy.
Some say I’m WEIRD, but some say I’m typical.
Some say I’m PRETTY, but some say I’m cute.
Some say I’m CHILDISH, but some say I’m matured.
Some say I’m TOMBOYISH, but some say I’m sweet.
Some say I’m CLEVER, but some say I’m smart.
Some say I’m STUPID, but some say I’m naïve.
Some say I’m too SERIOUS, but some say I’m a drama-queen.
Some say I’m SPOILED, but some say I’m independent.
Some say I’m ANNOYING, but some say I’m enjoyable.
Some say I’m BORING, but some say I’m witty.
Some say I’m RECKLESS, but some say I’m responsible.

People’s judgement is not important until they really get to know you.
Don’t believe in rumours coz they are mostly untrue.
As long as you be true.
In the end they will know the real you.
And that’s true…

The natural fruits that grows in the vicinity of my home.

Sour sop, ciku, pineapple and banana have ended their service to our family.

They certainly are good foods.

But they are gone now.

I love them wholeheartedly especially sour sop.

I love you sour sop.

You’ve given me serenity and pleasure.

I won’t forget you.

May you rest is peace.

Here I’ve lost another precious member of my life.

Anyways, what I got was three winning home games (we have no chance at the playoffs, we're spoilers playing for third place in our division now), and twenty-seven innings of David Thomas to ogle. I'm pretty sure that he ogled me back, too. It's nice to know that I don't just fall for guys who have no desire to meet me. Now, you may be saying "Great! So did you get in there? Ask him out for a coffee?" No, I didn't, because a) he's at work, concentrating on his game, and b) I'm me.

You may already be annoyed by my lack of action. Personally, I despise (yes that is a strong word) indecisive people, because normally I'm quite capable of making a good decision on the fly. Not in love. When I like a guy, my screwed up instinct is to ignore him completely. To put myself in his presence, and then completely avoid all eye contact and niceties. I flirt with everyone (this is just me normally as well, what can I say: I'm friendly), get this; except for with the one man that I actually want to take an interest in me. Who does that? I'm like one of those negative space drawings. I have to relearn my behaviour, obviously, so that I flirt with the person in question, not everyone else in the free world except him.

So you see; any man who has caught my eye, and likes me back has a veritable Mt. Everest to scale. I'm scaling the other side of it, and hopefully we can meet on the peak. And yet, I was really good this time! I made eye contact after over-riding my initial instinct to glance away. I smiled at him. I tried to not be me, or should I say the "me" that is fucked up over men. I tried really hard, but I have a lot of fear to overcome.

When the game came to an end, I hemmed and hawed. I wasn't sure if I should go down to the dugout or not. I finally said, "I'm doing it, dammit!" and went and bought a hat to have it signed. By the time I got to the dugout though, there were only two players left signing. So thank you Julio Rivera and #20 (Whose name I cannot decipher, and I'm pretty sure it's not on the current roster, sorry Hon.), for taking the time to sign stuff for all the fans.

After this, I was feeling a bit of the fool, and I called Sarah. She's like "You have to go back, and stalk him some more!" So I went back to the exit they would surely leave out of to get on their bus, and waited for a few moments, and then realized that this wasn't really happening for me. I didn't know half the guys without their uniform on, and I really did want the whole team to sign the hat, so I could give it to my brother B. The hat may have been a ruse to meet Mr. Thomas, but now that I did have it I did want to have something for B.

So I left.

And now I am sad. I was disappointed at my own lack of bravery, but I have been thinking of this, and I'm not going to beat myself up over it. In fact, I deserve to have my feelings, because I didn't mope and say "This will never happen," and then leave without ever trying. I did try, and I know that it wasn't the best effort, or the most well planned, but in reference to my previous coping skills, this is a million times better. I'm really quite happy that I even made an attempt, and I'm going to pat myself on the back for it.

What I am taking from this situation is that I tried. I went for it. It's a clumsy, late, awkward effort to be sure, but I fucking did it. I see success in my failure to act promptly. Now that I have done something, I can see how to improve on it the next time. I am empowered today by my failure. I can see the situation in the way that it is a training ground for me. I am still in fear about "giving my heart away," but I know I can get over it. That's what this is teaching me. I even have a hat with two lonely signatures as a token of my lesson. I don't think I can give it to B now, especially with only two signatures, but I think this is definitely a moment for me to reflect on and remember-the hat is just a physical reminder.

I feel a lot fiercer about trying now. It's like I finally got my fire back. I let myself become soft, weak even; I thought I lost that brilliant piece of myself: The heart of me that thrives in adversity, but I still have it, and I cannot anymore think of failure as a reason to stop improving, working, or eventually succeeding on my goals; whether they are in love, or in life. Maybe it was my ego demanding perfection, oh hell, I know it was my ego demanding that everything be the way it wanted it to be. But I've finally found the part of me that's willing to say "Fuck this shit, I'll show you what I'm capable of!" (Ego had just shortened it to "Fuck this shit," unfortunately, leaving out the real gem of "I'm going to do it anyway, so shut up and sit down.")

I am sad today, but I am also so unbelievably thankful about reclaiming my spirit that I am practically in tears. Tears of joy, my friends! Today is a beautiful day, the day I realize that Lawrence was right when he told me that I am too smart to think that a failure is just that. He told me to look at it from all angles, and see how I had actually won as well. He said this some time ago, but it's actually some of the best advice you can get. So I pass it on to you. I wish you the best of luck, but should you "fail" then just pick yourself up, dust your knees off, and keep on trying.

I guess the title is a misnomer because I can get some...duh...nuh...neh...satisfaction...

The second thing to know about me is that I'm naturally inclined to be everything you want in a girl, and if I'm not, I'll try to be. Not because you asked, but because I like being good at everything, including being your girlfriend.

The third thing you should know about me is that I am going to be perfect for you, and 99.9% of the time, you're still going to end up not wanting me.

Just thought you should know... everything I that's been on my mind. Hopefully, my first date with you will be fun enough to keep me from thinking about these three things. Eh, its all trial and error anyway. =)

 Wait, is summer officially over in September?

Maybe its because I am not in school anymore, and that I live in southern California and the weather is still fairly warm- the end of summer isn’t much of a depressing event. Oh I am already thinking about cooking for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I must say though- this summer has been awesome- lots of bodyboarding, beach going, vacationing, cooking, BBQing, seadoo riding, fishing and spending time discovering myself and people. SUMMER WELL SPENT! It’s a bummer that I couldn’t squeeze another summer trip to Taiwan (I used to every summer)- but considering I was just there this past March, I think I got my island fix for the year.

As some of you know, I am jumping ships, or at least making drastic changes to enable myself to work with what I always loved- food. Hum, as an Aquarius, you would think I would be the frontier to making changes and do what I love. Honestly, all the reasons that held me back from doing what I was born to do, NOW I realized-were simply excuses.

Not gonna lie though, the transition is tough. You will see bigger smiles on my face because I certainly feel so much happier and higher than ever, not because the transition is a piece of cake. I am often asked- why did you give up the good salary position and a respected profession? The funny thing is, I still ask myself that question once in a while, when I slightly lose sight of light at the end of tunnel. But, I tell myself, Sandy, life is way too short for you to spend the rest of your life, or even a couple of years more, to not follow your passion, your intuitions, and not be free.

Freedom is a big deal to me. I feed off freedom and the least appealing idea to me is to be trapped in my office from 9 to whenever reading last minute e-mails about how a homeowner refuses to pay their HOA dues because they didn’t like the way their lawn was mowed.

I escaped. J

I am in a new kingdom making my way around, discovering new things, and practicing trial and error. I have some tough advisers around and maybe even tougher critics out there- thank you. I won’t let myself down.

This could almost be my theme song. It covers so much from the past, the present and the future within 3 minutes 32 seconds. It sings out my life line, marking my regrets and warning about what will come next. I move to it's rhythm in an unconscious act of living. This track is not perfect but is beautiful. I don't have enough distance from my own world to be able to discern if the same can be said of my life. You will have to decide that for yourselves.

Be warned, this has turned out to be a rather depressing entry. I've written nothing positive or uplifting. Forgive me, please, but it's so much easier to remember the bad times, all the wrong that has come my way. I guess I can't move past my unhappy endings so they're what are tapped out on the keyboard to the beat of 'Seventy Times 7.'

Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know,
like how to deal with despair or someone breaking your heart.
Were truer words ever accompanied by a melody? I couldn’t agree with this more. Not just because the album rules my life but because I’ve seen it and experienced it all myself. Educational institutions only teach you theoretical babble that won't get you anywhere in real life. The hours I spent memorising quotes to insert into over-rehearsed essays, the days I wasted practising mathematical equations for impossible situations, how have they ever helped me deal with the shit that comes my way? And if you've read through some of the other stuff here I'm sure you'll agree I get my fair share of mishaps, misadventures and mistakes to handle. It all just seems like a waste to me at this point in my life. I suppose the benefits of critical thinking, vocabulary expansion, articulated speech etc seeped in during that time but I'm too ungrateful to appreciate such things.

What they should really teach is how to cope with your emotional life, how to deal with unpleasant situations, how to survive the politics of life outside the classroom. Even just an explanation of how to fill in a tax form would've been of greater use. I went to a Catholic high school because my mum felt it was the cheapest way to get a private education. (No, it's OK. I'm a girl Jamie so the priests left me alone.) They ran a religious class in which they aimed to help us with decision making but it was such a farce. The basic message they tried to convey throughout the six years was "when in doubt ask what Jesus would do and don't give in to peer pressure." Oh yes, very life enriching! As Brand New sings it, they say you need to pray if you want to go to heaven but they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell. Amen.

I know my views on this are quite biased on account of the fact that I am atheist and don't like authority figures i.e. the teacher at the time. However I still feel strongly about how unprepared I was for reality at the end of my final year. I never learnt how to say sorry, how to easily approach people or how to handle things like friends dying or mending broken hearts. What the fuck did I do when Pete died? I sat in the internet shop, cried and wondered what to do next. I was completely useless. I broke Alex's heart and laughed. Callous fucking hussy. I have no control over myself, no morals protecting me from hurting myself or others. I cannot bring myself to blame myself so I turn to my environment, which for the majority of my life (71% at this point in time) has been spent in schools. Fuck that.

I am fully aware that such things are not easily taught and even harder to learn but anything is better than nothing, right? It's not so much what you should do, but what you shouldn't that I want to know. I have never managed to master the art of tact so now my approach is as subtle as a brick in the small of [your] back. Because no-one ever took the time to give me any hints I've had to learn all this through trial and error. I have messed up far too many times and will continue to do so. I won't blame my parents for this one. That's just too cliched even for me. I've been told that a lot of these things are learnt through experience but it would've been nice to have some sort of mentor helping me out along the way. How-to-get-what-you-want-without-screwing-everyone-over-along-the-way is the class we all missed but needed the most.

I remember I kept thinking that I know you never would,
and now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could.
This happens every single day all over the world: people believing the best in others only to be betrayed and/or greatly disappointed. I am no exception. I started off in this world as a very trusting, faithful person. I believed people would do what they said they would, like pick me up on time, help me make a school-play costume, keep my secrets safe. Now I am bitter and only twenty-one, chipped away at by disillusion after heartbreaking disillusion. I'm sure this is of my own doing. I can't help but have unrealistic expectations of loyalty from others. A good example, minus long and boring details, takes us back December 31, 2004. It was New Year's Eve and I had no plans so I called around to see what my friends were up to. My BFF messaged me to say she was going country so she wasn't around. That would've been fine had I not just been taking to a mutual friend. It turned out she was actually in town going to a party at the house of a boy I didn't get along with and consequently didn't speak to. Harsh! All my BFF had to say was that she'd made plans to go to this party; she didn't need to lie to me. If she had known me as well as I thought she did she would've known that I had far too much pride to show up at this particular boy's place however desperate I was for a happy New Year. At the time I was shattered but all is forgiven now. However I haven't forgotten because I can't let [her] let me down again.

Maybe these lyrics also speak of the future, the day when I realise I was wrong all along about a certain someone. I will see them for who they really are and feel the sort of strong emotions we reserve only for those we love.  All that remains is to see who, what and when. This could almost be a positive thing in the long run. Only time will tell.

As if this happening wasn't enough I got to go
and write a song just to remind myself how bad it sucked.
I don't write songs but I do write. I have pages and pages of diary entries and half finished verses detailing the highs and lows of everything that's happened to me. I recently read through a lot of my old stuff when I was cleaning out my draws and closet. I relived key moments in my history and felt the full rush of fear, longing, lust, happiness and despair that accompanied each one. I remembered the lonely nights sitting in my room pining over what could've been but never was. I remembered the good times spent with friends on hot summer nights. Things I'd managed to forget were brought back to life through my past words kept safe on lined pages. I wrote it all down to further torture myself time and time again. Here's a little something I found amongst the rubble:

Click on the picture if you can't read my scribble.

Ignore the sun, the cover's over my head.
I wrote a message on my pillow that says, "Jesse, stay asleep in bed."
Granted, my name’s not Jesse and I haven’t been writing messages to anyone by that name nor am I in the habit of scrawling on pillows, but that’s getting too literal. I guess I had better explain who Jesse is; he’s the lead singer and writer of the songs, that is, my prophet. Basically what he’s saying here is that being dead to the world is so much easier than being in it and having to think about anything. There have been many periods in my life where I have completely identified with this feeling, times where I’ve actually looked forward to going to bed because being in my dreams was an easier reality than being awake. Good morning, teenage angst! I remember one day near the end of my time in Cambodia when I was living in The House. I came home from work at 6:45pm. It had been a bad day. I was soaked from the monsoonal rains. I had had to fight with too many moto drivers before convincing one to take me home for a reasonable price. After stumbling through mud and sewage water in the dark of night I found the front door locked. It's never locked. My keys were inside. None of my housemates would answer their phones. I had to wait shivering wet for two hours before anyone came home to let me in. I went straight into my room, took 2 valiums and 2 shots of vodka and passed out. I just couldn't be awake to feel what was about to come. I took the coward's way out but I had nothing better to do than sleep anyway.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
This will be my finale. Everything will come out in the end. Everything. I say best make it worth everyone's while and have a few decent secrets to be exposed. You know how I adore a good story...

Often, while here, I imagine myself as a lighthouse keeper. I stay high above all others, trimming wicks, keeping clockwork, and watching the rough seas below make example of those who aren’t ready to end their journeys. Through my weathered panes I watch as people try to test the truth behind Hobson and his choice; they'll take what was offered to them by life, or take death. The crashing waves tell me from the view that they aren’t fucking around, but I can look in the pews around me and tell that this view isn’t shared. As a keeper I am to aid those in navigation, but I am much more set on wondering where I’d be if I choose to take the risk. So there is another thing I'm not very good at.

Some people come every evening. There is one couple who comes every evening around twilight to pray for their daughter who died two years ago. They show themselves as very ill-tempered and bitter, which can be fathomed with set circumstances, but sometimes they disturb others’ pleas. I watch them and try to feel what they feel, but never feel anything more than disgust for what they call “being religious.” What did they think He could do? Bring her back? And another poor soul has fallen victim to the mystics of the rising tide.

I wrote this last night, but it’s not done. It probably has errors and may not be ready, but right now I'm ready to stop for the night.

Michael

Updated:
Mission accomplished! Whole Foods only carries the 4 oz size of Lady of the Desert aloe, so I'll be looking for another vendor for larger sizes. Also, Lady aloe didn't make my hair crunchy, so don't buy cheap generic products!!

Update:
I knew I shoulda been suspicious of some neon green "aloe." I'm glad I read this before my MoeGrow oil finished marinating. Now I'm headed back to Whole Foods for some real aloe.

Here's the criteria pattern that I recommend when evaluating alternative service flow designs.

I'm certain that most folks use a Design-by-PowerPoint approach for this type of decision.  They pop up a blank slide or copy an old slide with boxes and arrows and proceed to draw up their service flowchart one box at at time.  Maybe I'm being too kind - many folks will just create a bullet list of steps.  They may think about some of the criteria above as they add or rearrange steps, but they never formally define more than a single alternative.  Design-by-PowerPoint is a recipe for tunnel vision.  It confuses the ability to decompose a service into steps with the real thinking challenge of DESIGN.  This error is then compounded by failing to evaluate their single alternative against any criteria; they assume it will work and work well enough to launch it without further analysis.

I'm not naive enough to think that I can kill off Design-by-PowerPoint.  There's nothing wrong with drawing flowcharts to describe alternatives; but it's always wise to create at least 3 alternatives that differ significantly to stretch your thinking.  By doing so, you're asking "How else might we meet the objectives of this decision?".  This opens the door for a flood of new service innovation.

The Service Flow decision is very similar to the Functional Model decision within the design of a typical hardware/software product.  The decision is challenging for just that reason - the alternatives are abstract pictures with lots of abstract components (steps, interfaces, work products), not something tangible.  If the alternative flowcharts have more than 5 steps, it becomes very difficult to compare them at a glance.  This is where a proven set of criteria is very helpful; the criteria help you think about the overall or end-to-end effectiveness of each alternative flowchart one factor at a time.  They force you to ask the right questions.

A typical Service Flow decision will only take an hour or two to complete if you start with a proven criteria pattern.  That's quite a small investment with very high payback compared with Design-by-PowerPoint then trial-and-error delivery.

I was really impatient today, so I went to Whole Foods during lunch to buy the ingredients. I had never been to Whole Foods, and now I know why people call the place Whole Paycheck! The jojoba oil was $7.99 for a 4 oz bottle O_O I read that coconut oil could also be used for MoeGrow, so I bought a 15 oz jar for $8.99. Whole Foods didn't have any loose horsetail herb, so I bought the capsulized version.

Now the sunflower and castor oils are on the shopping list because a while back Afrobella mentioned that the UK singer Estelle likely uses the oil cleansing method. Estelle has some fabulous skin, so I'm giving this oil cleansing method a try.

Let me tell you breaking apart the capsules was a royal pain in the ass. I will definitely be looking for an internet vendor for loose herbs!

Here are some pictures of MoeGrow in its initial state:

I wasn't expecting it to be green, lol. Now it has to sit for three days so the herbs can infuse with the oil. After that I'll mix in the aloe vera and give MoeGrow a try. I can't wait!!

Here's the rolled up twists:

and here's the final result:

One reason it took me six hours to do this was because I wanted nice parts so I could switch up the side I want the part on. Please not I kinda abandoned the whole parting idea once I got to the back of my head!

I’ve thought I was in love a few times, and every time been let down by an ending to it all. I don’t know if I can consider what I had love, but I like to think that at least for a few days, in each case, what I had could be called that. There has been the process where it has felt over, and I’ve been left trying to move past what I felt. Last time I reach checkpoint 1 with someone, a.k.a. three dates down, was over a year and a half ago, and it bothers me that this doesn’t bother me. I’d love to find someone who sparks interest in me and makes me want to settle down, but I can’t imagine a harder time getting close to people. I feel that my past experiences have made me, well to say the least, uneasy about getting close and attached to someone.

People come and go far too easy to allow someone into my inner-workings and weaknesses. There have been three, or so, times that I’ve had it happen before, sadly I don’t honestly know how many times I’ve been fully real with someone, not many.

Hard to think about my times being in love, especially because it’s hard to call it love, since it ended and because I want to let it all go, but what else could I call it? A strong relation with another, a feeling of reliability stronger than with anyone else, or an indescribable connection found few others? I like to think that love is a connection found with no more than one, which would allow me to feel that I’ve never found it. If it’s true that I’ve found it before, then I know what it can do to a person, and I don’t like that; I never want to see myself in such stress and pain. Love shouldn’t end, so let’s hope it doesn’t come and go.

Let’s try to keep the similarities between love and the seasons down to the minimum: their individual beauties.

Michael

Here are some I found on these pads. They're just randomly written things from all hours of the day, so I expect you to see it as very odd or at times incorrect. In between every line break is a different thought, just to make it clear.

Here goes:

I was born inside your melody, and died inside your arms.

Finding the answers, finding the answers, finding the answers.

The only thing worse than a wasted life is a wasted death.

The biggest war we're fighting is tomorrow, where the causality rate is 100%.

Those who find every answer, but lose every question.

Fist full of sand—let it go in the wind. Let it go, but keep me in mind.

Stranger

I can see your over there

Stranger

Don't let the truth bring you down

Every lie is just as sound.

Stranger

    You have my voice

        We are but one

    When your heart sinks

        Mine weighs a ton.

Heavy hearts and broken pride

There may be none by your side

Don't let…

Write my name in pen,

and light it to black.

Gather the ashes,

And blow them to the wind.

I don't know what I was doing when I wrote these, but I'm glad I found all of their random values. I usually jot various things down when I'm thinking of ideas of essays and such, but never really open them up—just jot them. Maybe I'll begin to tear apart what I write. Maybe now that I have a lovely leather bound pad my friend gave me after going to Italy—thank you Alexander—I'll begin to carry it around.

Michael

I wrote a poem, then rewrote it, then cut it up, then put it back together, then rewrote it. This was my result.

It all came from the last line, which I wrote randomly one day and just stowed away. I sort of attacked the idea thinking about perception and realities, and hope it's alright. 

Reality is in blazes—

Suffering no use.

Color bleeds around mazes—

All truth is abuse.

The ground has confound;

The trees are undone;

Pity turns to round—

While sinking into one.

Sight is unseeing,

Fading from real.

Creation is fleeing—

There’s nothing to feel.

I am ceaseless; reckless. I am razing.

I am ceaseless; reckless. I am razing.

Please give me an opinion or some sort of feedback.

Thanks,

Michael